If you’re not familiar with the term “shadow work,” it basically refers to the process of uncovering and owning the parts of yourself that you’ve been trying to hide away. This can involve facing your fears, traumas, and uglier impulses head-on. It’s not always fun or easy, but I think its worth diving into.

When we’re in relationships, we naturally put our best foot forward. Its completely normal to want to be seen as kind, loving, loyal, trustworthy partners.

And, there’s definitely nothing wrong with that! But, if we’re not also acknowledging and working through our darker aspects, they will find a way to come out eventually… usually in not-so-pretty ways. Trust me, I know from experience. 

Doing shadow work in your relationships can help you become a more authentic partner. It can also help you build deeper connections (that are more meaningful) with the people you care about. Be sure to also check out these journal prompts for couples.

If you’re ready to get started, here are some tips and shadow work journaling prompts for your relationship.

6 tips for shadow work journaling

•  Get comfortable

The first step to doing shadow work journaling is to make yourself comfortable. I don’t just mean physically comfortable (which helps of course), but you should be comfortable with the concept of shadow work as well!

• Set an intention

Before you start writing, it’s important to set an intention for your journaling session. This could be something like “I want to explore my feelings about my relationship with my parents” or “I want to understand why I keep attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable.”

• Write down your thoughts and feelings

Once you’ve set an intention, start writing down your thoughts and feelings about it. Don’t worry about censoring yourself – simply let whatever comes into your mind flow out onto the page. This is a good way to open up the mind and get the creative juices flowing as well.

• Be honest and authentic with yourself

Don’t hold back. The only way to do shadow work is to go deep into the darkness and shine a light on the parts of yourself that you’ve been trying to keep hidden.

• Be okay exploring your shadow side

As you write, you may find yourself exploring some of the darker aspects of your personality – the parts of yourself that you tend to keep hidden from others.

This is perfectly normal, and can actually be quite beneficial. By bringing these aspects of yourself into the light, you can begin to understand them better and ultimately integrate them into your psyche.

• Be patient with yourself

Shadow work can be difficult and challenging, so it’s important to be patient with yourself. If you find yourself getting stuck (which happens to me all the time), take a little break and come back to it later. There’s no rush – the most important thing is that you’re moving at a pace that feels comfortable for you.

12 shadow work prompts for relationships

These shadow work prompts are specifically for relationships. You can change them up a bit so they’re suitable for your individual needs. Sometimes, a prompt is all you need to get writing and explore the depths of your person.

1. What are you afraid of in your relationships?

One of the things that can prevent us from being our true selves in relationships is fear. We might be afraid of being rejected or abandoned if we show our partner our flaws. We might be afraid of conflict or hurt feelings. We might even be afraid of intimacy itself. 

Start by taking some time to identify the things you’re afraid of in your relationship (or relationships). What are you holding back because you’re afraid of what might happen?

Once you’ve identified your fears, see if you can find a way to talk about them with your partner(s). This doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic conversation—simply opening up about what you’re feeling can make a big difference. 

2. What have you been keeping secret in your relationships?

We all have secrets, right? Things we’ve done that we’re not proud of or things we’re currently doing that we know we shouldn’t be doing. And when it comes to relationships, those secrets can create a lot of shame and anxiety. So much so that we might go to great lengths to keep them hidden away. 

But here’s the thing: keeping secrets creates distance between you and your partner(s). It also sets up an unhealthy dynamic in which one person has power over the other.

So if you want to create closer, more authentic relationships, it’s time to start owning your secrets—and that means sharing them with the people you care about, too. 

3. What are you ashamed of in your relationships?

Society tells us that there are certain things we should feel ashamed of—things like sadness and anger and vulnerability. And when it comes to our relationships, we often buy into that belief hook, line, and sinker.

We think that if we show our partner any signs of weakness or imperfection, they’ll somehow see us as less than worthy of their love and respect. But, that couldn’t be further from the truth! 

In fact, most people would much rather see their partners being real and vulnerable than putting up a false front all the time. So instead of trying to bottle up your emotions or pretend they don’t exist, why not practice expressing them in a healthy way?

Reflect on the things you’re of ashamed of and why that may be.

4. Do you feel safe and secure in your relationship?

One of the most important things in any relationship is feeling safe and secure. That doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict or that everything will always be perfect—it just means that, at the end of the day, you know you’re in a safe place where you can be yourself.  

If you don’t feel safe and secure in your current relationship (or relationships), take some time to explore why that might be. Are there certain things you’re holding back because you’re afraid of what might happen if you share them?

Are there unresolved issues from the past that are still causing pain? Once you’ve identified the root of the problem, see if you can find a way to address it with your partner. 

This can be a difficult conversation to have, but it’s worth it if it means creating a stronger, more secure bond between you. 

5. Do you feel like you can be yourself in your relationship?

When it comes to relationships, it’s important that you can be yourself. That means being able to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement or rejection.

It means being able to be honest about who you are, what you want, and what you need. If you feel like you’re constantly putting on a show or trying to fit an unrealistic mold of someone else, it’s worth exploring the reasons why.

6. Do you find yourself avoiding certain emotions in your relationship?

It’s perfectly normal to feel a range of emotions in any given relationship. But sometimes, we start to avoid certain emotions because we’re afraid of how they might affect the relationship. We might bottle up our anger or sadness because we don’t want to make waves.

Or, we might pretend everything is okay even when it’s not because we don’t want to burden our partner with our problems. But avoiding our emotions is only going to make them bigger in the long run.

So instead of pushing them down, why not try to express them in a healthy way?

7. What is the most hurtful thing you’ve done to your partner?

We all make mistakes in our relationships. And sometimes, those mistakes can cause a lot of pain and hurt.

If you’ve ever done something that has hurt your partner, it’s important to own up to it and take responsibility for your actions. Only then can you begin to heal the wound and move on from the hurt.  

A good place to start is your journal – where you can be yourself without judgement.

8. What is the most hurtful thing your partner has ever done to you?

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of such behavior, it’s important to reflect on it as a lesson to be learned. This shadow work prompts can help you explore vulnerable memories that you may have been stowing away.

It’s not easy to dive in and examine our feelings when it comes to being hurt. In fact, our painful memories are often the most frequently hidden away.

It’s worth exploring the hurtful events from our past and to reflect on how we felt at the time. How do we feel about those things now? Do you feel like you are a stronger person because of it?

9. Do you have any unresolved issues from past relationships?

If you’ve been hurt in a past relationship, it’s only natural to want to protect yourself from getting hurt again. I’ve definitely felt this before. But often, that means we carry those old wounds into our new relationships and end up projecting our fears and insecurities onto our partner.

This can make it difficult to create a healthy, lasting relationship. 

If you have any unresolved issues from past relationships, see if you can find a way to address them. Once you’ve processed those old wounds, you’ll be in a much better place to create a healthy, lasting relationship. 

10. Do you feel like you’re always the one giving in your relationship?

In any healthy relationship, both partners should feel like they’re being heard and respected. That doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict—it just means that, when there is conflict, both partners feel like their needs are being considered. 

If you feel like you’re always the one giving in your relationship, take a step back and assess the situation. Do you find yourself constantly compromising your own needs? Do you feel like your partner(s) never take your needs into consideration?

If so, it might be time to have a conversation about what you need from the relationship. Remember, relationships are a two-way street (which some people often forget). Make sure your needs are being met.

11. How do you deal with negative emotions in your relationship?

Negative emotions are a part of life, but they don’t have to take over your relationship. Journaling can help you process these emotions and understand where they’re coming from. It can also be a way to communicate with your partner about what’s going on for you.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, journaling can be a way to help you manage them and keep your relationship strong.

12. What do you argue about most in your relationship?

All couples argue from time to time. But if you find yourself arguing about the same thing over and over again, it might be time to take a step back and do some internal reflection.

What is it about this particular issue that keeps causing problems? Is there a way to resolve it? If not, can you learn to agree to disagree? Maybe there are deeper reasons you feel the way you do.

If you want to create closer, more meaningful relationships with the people you care about, shadow work is a great place to start. By facing your fears, owning your secrets ,and embracing your vulnerability, you can become a more authentic and present partner. Isn’t that what we all ultimately want?